i know now what i couldn't have

known before i did it, but, i actually don't think i'm ready....

so tonight, following my speed dating event tuesday where i met a nice bloke, i had a date...my first one since Nick and up until about an hour before he was due to pick me up, i was looking forward to it...

bu as he time drew nearer, i found myself observing how i was feeling - and ambivalent is probably he best word i can come up with...i'd be lying if i didn't also admit to some nerves....

anyway, he kindly came and picked me up, we drove to Rozelle, and even though it wasn't to the Welcome, i just felt myself start to feel uncomfortable and also reminded of the times when i would go to Balmain/Rozelle to be with Nick....

so, we had a drink, had a bite to eat and we talked lots - mainly he asked me questions and i talked, but i didn't really find myself wanting to ask him lots of questions (surely that's a sign...)...on the way he was telling me about his sisters, and it occurred to me that perhaps he hadn't been honest about his age....see i used to work with one of his sisters, she is younger than him and she's 47....i'm pretty sure that the age range for men didn't go up to 47! not that 47 is an issue, but if he lied, then that's an issue....

and then it occurred to me as i was talking that i'd rather be at home, watching cricket, curled up on my couch and in that moment i realised that perhaps i wasn't ready....

and sure, i'm still glad i cancelled my dinner plans with Nick tomorrow night, but i honestly don't think i'm ready to be 'out there'...or maybe i'm just not ready to be out there with this particular guy...

anyway, i feel flat and a bit sad...

seems the whole thing with Nick possibly took more of a toll on me than i thought, and whilst i don't necessarily want to 'go back' (i don't), i do still like him, i miss him (occasionally) and tonight, that small part of me who wishes he would beg me to take him back, well she's very much alive and here...

so i'm going to crawl into bed and hope that i wake up feeling a bit more positive tomorrow...on a more positive note, i think that even though i've realised i'm not ready, i'm also quite happy to (for now) embrace being single, and enjoy this time to myself...

nite