in other matters i really feel as though i have finally regained my sense of equilibrium, and no longer feel so 'addicted' to a certain someone...it seems following our conversation Thursday night i got some of what i wanted to say off my chest, and made it pretty clear i was over the mixed messages...
for the most part, he seems to be respectful of that and i have to say that i am pleased...it's making it much easier to go to work, to get done what i need to get done, to even enjoy it, and you know what? the sad thing in all of this is that when i was unsure of his feelings, i really didn't enjoy work...and that's just not good! i love my job, i love my team, and we have so much to do, so not enjoying work really was a major downer - at a time when being able to throw myself into work and 'distract' myself, having him there was simply too big a mountain to climb...
but anyway, i'm feeling wiser and much calmer this week, seems some switch or other clicked in my head on Friday night whilst having dinner with Eunika (lovely girl i met on plane)....so in my head, for the most part, i'm now seeing him as a friend, and sure he's a friend i've pashed, sure he's a friend i frequently cuddle on the couch with (this is not normal, as Leah keeps reminding me), sure he's a friend who wants to shag me (and likewise, i am pretty sure i want to shag him), and sure he's someone that for a coupla months and a few dates, i really really really wanted to be more with...
but really, what can i do other than be my lovely self...he's not ready for anything serious, i'm not willing to do anything casual so impasse it where it's at...and initially i thought that being friends with him would be hard (and sometimes it is, i'd be lying if i said otherwise), but also, there are things about him i don't like...and certainly wouldn't choose if i was describing my ideal partner...
so, here's those things, just in case i find myself slipping into the fantasy that is me and him:
- the smoking: i've convinced myself i don't really hate it, but when he arrived at work this morning i ran into him (and got into lift he'd been in) and it was gross, no other word for it really, not to mention he smokes a lot so if we got serious i would probably spend a whole lot of time wondering if he was going to die...either way, not good;
- he drinks, a lot! and sure, it's not for me to judge (i totally get that), but i wouldn't choose to be with someone who needs to drink to open up;
- he is selfish and does what he wants - by his own admission...i don't want to be with someone who's selfish and sure that might just be him in his post 4 year relationship break up phase but still..i don't see myself with someone who's selfish;
- he has limited social graces (at least that i've seen), and even my team were talking about this today;
- i really do wonder if there is something going on with a girl in his team (although he's told me he thinks her underhand and manipulative) but i have a nagging doubt, and that makes me wonder if he's stringing me along...hmmm, entirely unsure on this;
- right now, he has me exactly where he wants me (and sure, i could change that...more to say on that particular subject, but for another post)...i'm pretty much available when he want to talk, we spend a lot of time chatting, watching tv, cuddling etc, so essentially we are having a relationship without the sex and the commitment (he doesn't want the commitment but wants the sex, i want the sex but only with a commitment of sorts)...
- he occasionally still does give out mixed messages, then apologises, then says it's because he's not clear (not good)
on the other side of all this is just how attentive he now is...no sooner is he out of work today than he's asking me when we are watching more Revenge (coz he doesn't want to watch without me - that's kinda sweet)...
so, honestly, i don't get it! i'm glad i'm not as hung up on him as i was only weeks ago, i'm trying to be me, go with the flow of this 'being friends' palaver, and then, well? who knows...
anyway, almost bored of him being the subject of my posts, so am going to try my hardest to write about something entirely FC unrelated tomorrow!
nite xx
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