uncertain....

is really how i feel but the patterns of my past seem to be doing a reasonably good job of making me think that FC is someone i really want to be with....

and sure, i do like him, and the more we spend time together and the more i get to know him, the more i like, and the more i know him...and yes, there are some things about him i still don't really like, nor know if i would be able to deal with them (or perhaps accept is a better word) if i were to contemplate a long term relationship with him...

things like at times, his lack of social graces (self confessed), his sometimes 'running away', although perhaps that isn't running away, it's just his stronger preference for 'i' than mine, and i choose to take it personally, the smoking (yeah, really unsure how i would deal with that in the long term), the drinking (and yes, i know i went out and got smashed with him last night, but this is not exactly typical for me, whereas he seems to drink a lot), his attitude at work sometimes (and sure, if we didn't work together i probably wouldn't know this about him...or would i? yes, maybe i would)...not sure if i don't like it or i'm just envious he pulls it off (uncertain)....

and of course there are the things that i like about him...which seem to be growing in number: his consideration (so yesterday he picks me up, drops me at writing, hours later picks me up from writing, all so i don't have to drive to his when we know we're going to be drinking, when we get there he asks whether i am wearing shoes that enable walking (this is kind of cute), he is starting to ask me how i am and what i've been doing, and we are really starting to enjoy spending time together now there is no pressure of it being 'a date'....and he is now doing most of the work which is good, and yet, just makes me sad, coz really, this is what i want in a relationship, and what him and i have right now is really a relationship of sorts, minus the sex and the commitment, and i think he has me exactly where he wants me....do i think this is intentional on his part? i dunno...i know that i am struggling with it at times, like today, having said that i'm on nowhere near enough sleep and am hungover, so today is not the ideal time to making any judgements or decisions about how i feel (generally or about him)....

i realised last night, just before i got up to leave that i felt sad...sad that what we have is the sort of thing i didn't have with Ben and is what i want in a relationship, and yet he insists we are just friends...i'm pretty sure we're not...before he'd even walked me to a cab he's organising our next catch up, we lay on the couch wrapped in each others arms for hours...this is not something i do with other friends, not even my bff's...so yep, i'm a little sad as i do think there are still mixed messages and at some point, whatever is going on now, will have to come to an end...

one way or the other...and i'm a bit torn...i don't want to not be friends with him, coz we enjoy each others company and i like that he does things for me, i really do...i probably would like to be a bit more unavailable to him, and not to play any games, but to give him (and me) some space to realise if he does really like me (i mean sure, he likes me, we know this, but i want him to like me as something more than a friend, and not this week, or next perhaps, but at some point)...and then i wonder if i am only doing the 'friend' thing because we work together and i don't feel i can risk cutting him off altogether (and of course i would lose out on hanging out with him then, so that doesn't seem a very good idea at all) and because i am so so so hopeful that he will wake up in some period of time and realise he wants more, realise he wants to be with me...

and then the confusion sets in, coz there are times when i question whether i'd want to be with him, and this is where i think my past patterns are colliding with my current reality, and perhaps i don't want to be with him so much, as to be with someone, and he is simply in my path right now...and i don't mean that in a clinical or mean way coz i like this man a lot...i do, and the more i get to know him, the more i understand him, the less i take his 'stuff' personally and the more 'me' i feel able to be - surely, whatever happens between us, this is good, and it's certainly 'growth' for me....

but i'm uncertain: uncertain about where things might end up despite trying to be in the moment, uncertain if he's clear, uncertain if he's stringing me along....

yep, pretty uncertain!