turning point?

or really, just seeing something i should have seen weeks ago?

not sure! so today was interesting, the whole week's been interesting really, but mostly just jam packed with mixed messages and confusion for me...

after starting the week feeling really good and finally having regained some equilibrium, he finds a way to tell me i'm lovely and the me he sees at work is a veneer - sure that's nice, but you don't really want someone you thought you were dating and are now supposed to be 'just friends' with telling you that you are lovely when you are trying to forget what it is you wanted with him (which i think was more than the 'just friends' that he claims to want...despite some of the very confusing and frankly, mixed messages he gives out)...nope, it just doesn't help! and then he asks me why can't we be friends like him and a guy at work are, and my response is something like 'gee i don't know: have you pashed him, cuddled him on the couch and told him you want to bang him every time you see him? no, i didn't think so'...god, how can someone so smart (and he is pretty smart) be so fucking dense?

so, that and then a number of other conversations, emails, thoughtful little things (read as acts of service) he's done for me throughout the week (car research and the creation of a report that i have been asking for for months) and i wonder why i have ended the week feeling utterly (and to use one of his words) unfathomably confused...so not sure how, but i end up round at his for dinner last night, only to be told that 'it's really hard to be with me and that i'm unbalanced and i analyse things too much'...really? and i'm putting up with this crap?

yeah, i know, the Sarah most of you know, in fact, that Sarah I know, she wouldn't stand for that...and yet, i have been! and sure, he may just be 'getting me back' for all the observations i made of him whilst in a so called 'coaching' space, or he may really believe some of the things he said to me, or it could be him projecting his own stuff onto me to make him feel better...could be a combination of all three, or none of the above, but i'm really trying to make sense of it all....

so in the space of 10 or so days i've been told i'm sometimes rude, sometimes aggressive, pushy, critical, defensive, hard to be with and unbalanced...funny, as i'm recapping this, it doesn't really seem possible to reading any mixed message here! so i'm left wondering how he can possibly bear to spend time with me, why he bothers to text me most nights, why he emails me at work about non work stuff, how he has found a way to spend at least some time on the weekend with me...yep, makes absolutely no sense to me at all....seems he's pretty clear on all the things he doesn't like about me...

so after he tells me last night that i'm unbalanced, i decide it's time to go - it hits me that almost every time i have left his place of late, i've felt worse than when i arrived, following him feeling ok to give me some feedback or other

so i get up to leave, he asks me if he's walking me to the car, i say 'i don't know, up to you'...he puts his shoes on, we walk to the car, and then as he says goodnight to me, i reply in a way that indicates i'm not happy (actually what i was trying to convey was a sense of having given up....as if it might be the last time we see each other, as such, there was an ambivalent, and probably, final, sound to my good night...but he can't let that go....

so we talk, not sure about what really, except that i find a way to tell him that actually i'm not that happy, every time i come round he sees fit to tell me all the things he doesn't like about me, that i just don't see how he can possibly like me as it's pretty clear that he doesn't....

as i'm in the middle of all of this, he pulls me into a hug and just holds me...and says 'i do like you'

we do this for a while, him holding me, and me trying to let myself be held by him...how can he like me? really? if all of the above is true, really, then how can he like me? i have no idea really

then i tell him that i can't do it: i can't do the mixed messages, i can't do the way when i stay where i am, he moves towards me, when i reciprocate, he runs away and on it goes...

so he says 'what do you want to do? do you not want to be friends?', i say 'of course not, thought you thought that'd be a shame?', he nods...

so i tell him we can be friends, he says 'can't we be friends and see where it goes?' i say 'sure'...

we say goodnight, i drive home and by the time i get home there is a text 'remember - mixed messages may also be accidental cos i'm not really sure myself - sure that doesn't really help - sorry'

so at least i might be getting through to him, but seriously, i'm not the one who is sending mixed messages here - from the get go i've made it pretty clear that i liked him and wanted to get to know him better...he's said he doesn't want a relationship but seems to like doing things that ppl in a relationship do, with me...confusing, and frankly, i'm a bit over it...

one of my best friends said to me a while ago that i deserved someone who wants to be with me, and you know what? FC has no idea if he wants to be with me or not...

so, until he does, i think i need to just stay right here....