pressured

and a wee bit confused is how i'm feeling today....so his continual references to 'fun Sarah' make me wonder if he thinks the 'me' he usually sees isn't fun? and if, at 43, i should feel the need to be 'fun'? i mean, what is fun anyway? a very subjective term...i think his version of fun is me getting horribly drunk with him and him perhaps hoping that i will then sleep with him...and sure, a part of me would like nothing more, god knows, this whole being friends who cuddle and sometimes kiss is becoming increasingly difficult to sustain...and if we didn't work together i am certain i would have slept with him by now, but the risk of sleeping with him, him then running away (not like he hasn't done this before) is too much...i SO need for work to be somewhere that i can go without the complication of a failed sexual relationship....

so, not sure where that leaves us really?

and all this following the very suggestive and sexual messages of saturday night...so pressured was sunday morning, before he came over...

then, despite that, i had a lovely day! did my run, picked up some food, watched Carlton finally get a win (albeit a scrappy one against the D's), and then FC arrived...

he showered, we had tea, we settled in for 1/4 Revenue episodes, i made us dinner, then we watched the remaining 3, all the time cuddled up...

after the big song and dance he made about my hair saturday, and the very suggestive and flirtatious texts of friday and saturday, nothing...

no kiss goodnight, no hug, nothing...

weird! and for the FIRST time in this entire 'relationship' i went to bed wondering if there was something there? if he was really someone i wanted to explore getting to know more?

and you know what? i'm not sure, even this morning, i still wasn't sure...and sure we have a nice time together, we are much more comfortable with each other, he is doing 'all' the work...and still, i'm not sure?

so wondering what that is? wondering if the 'work' thing is holding me back (that's definitely a big part of it), or wondering if the new Sarah is just taking her time to see if there could really be something there

so, did not like the feeling of being pressured...didn't like it at all, and methinks that is progress! for the old Sarah would have given in to the pressure, all in the vain hope it would make him like me more...ha! not falling for that one again....