how

am i going to put my expectations aside? seriously how?

i don't get how when someone you care about (and sure, he hasn't said that but he's said he wants me in his life as a friend, that implies care right?) is obviously upset, you know it's personal and yet you don't ask what's going on or if they are ok?

how is that possible? and sure, him and i are very different, but it wouldn't occur to me not to check in in such a situation...and sure, a delayed response may well be simply so he can keep work and personal separate but still....

honestly, it's been difficult not to think of the whole thing with him as a mind fuck and sure, one that i've let unfold, one that may not be entirely of his doing, but i am left wondering if it should be this hard, if someone who says 'either we'll end up married or i'll be the best friend you'll ever have' is not stringing me along...and sure, he's already apologised for this once before...

when i think back to the beginning and some of the rude and dismissive things he said, i do find myself wondering how i could like him...and then, of course, there is the good stuff, but now, again i feel as though he has this situation exactly where he wants it and me, what do i have? where do i stand?

and sure he's said he isn't playing me, but there are times when it's really difficult for me to doubt that....i get he doesn't want to hurt me by simply spinning me a line to get me into bed, and i appreciate that, but seriously, must he be in control of everything?  i understand his need for time and space (not that he's said that, but his behaviour indicates he needs it, as do I at times), but still.....

and then there's the double rules: you know the rule where he can ignore my trying to contact him for 3 or 4 days but when i take my time to think about and respond to a message from him the other night (30 minutes tops!) he plays the 'i'm going to stop reaching out to you card'....not being played my arse, and now on top of being upset, i'm a wee bit angry....

can he not for one minute think about how i might feel? about what i might need? about the fact that maybe just maybe, him controlling everything so he's ok won't work?

honestly, i knew when i said i would be friends with him it wasn't going to be easy for me, and i wasn't sure whether the 'crush' or 'fantasy' i had previously been having about him would disappear, but i guess i didn't expect to continue to get mixed messages...

and then there's the fact that, if we didn't wok together, would i be doing this whole thing differently? yep, i am certain i would....for one, i wouldn't feel as though i had to be friends with him, to push through (as he's asked me to do), so i'm left feeling that in a way, my hand has been forced, and i am NOT liking that one little bit....

so back to the start...not sure how i am going to do this?

to be fair, he did text me as soon as work was over to see if i was ok, and that made me smile...and sure, i've learnt something about him (and perhaps me too) - he is task focused not people focused so is unlikely to ask me how i am at work, especially perhaps when i look so visibly upset...yes, and the 43 year old me knew that at work and yet i let myself decline into a self doubting session, when really, it had nothing at ALL to do with me...

hmmm, lots to think about!