yep, and i am tired, and feel pretty run down and possibly coming down with something, but some of the old 'pull' has emerged tonight, and suddenly i find myself feeling like the 13 year old girl...
hmmm, need to sit with that and work out what just happened...
had a good day, despite feeling woeful by about 3pm, coupla interactions with him, he even sent me a nice email (i'm wondering if i am getting thru to him?)....suggestion we might watch remaining eps of Ringer together tonight - i pulled the pin as i felt so woeful, although now i have watched 19, CANNOT wait to watch 20 - 22!
coupla texts (instigated by him), and i am starting to feel the expectation creep in...why? what's driving that i wonder? and i'm trying not to judge it or beat myself up, but simply to observe and sit with it - it feels crap i can tell you and i don't like it
it reminds me of the feelings of that 13 year old girl, looking for validation - it's the sort of feeling, much like an addiction, that makes you do stuff you wouldn't normally do...yep, dangerous but awareness is a good thing right?
and this sort of feeling, this need to 'do something i don't really want to do' (won't be, mental strength please) makes me wonder how the fuck it is that i agreed to be friends with him, and deluded (or perhaps, more kindly, hoped) myself into thinking that i would be able to handle it...
really? how did i think i was going to be able to do that?
as i sit here, constructing this post (which is probably ALL over the shop) i wonder still, if on some level, i am being played...despite his suggesting the contrary (that i'm being anti played...), i wonder...
i guess only time will tell, and maybe time will tell me that he isn't someone i want to be with, i may discover things about him i really don't like...of course, the possibility that i may not like a bloke who likes me is a very foreign and somewhat scary concept to me...but perhaps, this is the lesson? to REALLY spend the time getting to know him and working out if I think he is someone i want to invest time in, rather than simply falling headlong into something without applying my 43 year old thinking...
tired, exhausted actually! seems that having now done almost 3 months of the fantasy with this man, i am left depleted, i have nothing left, no petrol in the tank as it were, and it would be good to be able to escape and regroup...and here is one very good reason not to date/become involved with work colleagues - seems there is no escaping them (although he's just advised me he's having Monday off due to upcoming big weekend)...so some breathing space, but what i need is a decent logical break - god knows, i cannot wait until 5th october (when i jet off to our favourite city) for that break...
so, i find myself wondering tonight, how the hell am i going to hold it all together? and honestly, i do not know the answer....what i do know, is that i'd like to (hold it together that is), that i'd really like to use this as a practice run (Leah's expression)...
so, bed for me...please please please let me sleep, and then a nice weekend planned...and if he doesn't get his diary sorted, i'll be watching 20 - 22 solo, coz i cannot wait to see how it all turns out!
nite x
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