duality...

yep, could write about duality but really, title is to indicate my state of mind right now...

so, mainly i'm just sad...found out last night that my beloved and trusted coach (and latterly friend) of years, suffered a stroke in August and has been in hospital/rehab ever since...seems i didn't manage to find my way onto the email distribution list that her daughters had been sending out since it all happened

she emailed me Wed night to let me know and we spoke this morning...i'm somewhat heartbroken: heartbroken that such a beautiful and wonderful person has had to experience such a trauma, that i didn't know, that i haven't been there for her and that, she could have died without me getting to say goodbye...

talking to her was hard - she is obviously changed by what happened, but mostly sounds pretty good, although the road to recovery has been long and will continue to be long with many more months of rehab ahead of her...

in talking to her i realised that she is one of the FEW people on the planet whom i trust implicitly, and entirely and so the thought that i may have lost her, well it has really hit me...and hard

and when i think of how close i am to her, and how wonderful a mother she has been to her beloved girls, it saddens me that my own relationship with my mother is what it is: fractured, largely not real and not one where i feel i can be authentic...sad, really

and then there's the guilt! the guilt around how things with my parents are right now (although i am not entirely responsible for that, am I?), the guilt that i haven't picked up the phone to call Kathleen in the last 9 months, even though i have thought of her often...

and then, in the midst of my post phone call grief, tears in my eyes, sunglasses on to hide that (i was at work), i walk past FC in a daze...i don't think i even made eye contact, so then (seriously, this is dumb) i feel so guilty that i send him an email to say 'didn't ignore you, just got some bad news'...he eventually emails me to ask work or personal, i reply 'personal' and nothing...

and maybe i shouldn't have any expectations, but this is the same person who told me that the worst case scenario is that he'll be the best friend i ever have...hmmm, seemingly that's not going to pan out

and sure, maybe he's busy, maybe he doesn't want to ask me at work, but seriously, not happy jan!

so there's the duality (of course turned out to be 3 things - sad, guilty and disappointed), but hey?

more later!