cranky...

yep, i'm cranky! i'm so cranky so i figured i better get it out, coz i don't want it eating me up and taking up valuable space in my already full and overloaded head...

so he emails me mid morning to see if i've looked at something he sent me friday - i respond with no (normally i wouldn't do this, but he does this all the time and seemingly doesn't find it rude...added to which i was off with a migraine and nausea so didn't really have the capacity for any lengthy emails)

eventually he responds with 'are you avoiding?' - not clear on whether he means him or work, i tell him i'm not in the office...we have a few emails, eventually i tell him i'm sick....and in typical FC (at least the FC i first met) no question as to how i am, if i need anything etc...note to self: NOT a good start for someone who claims they'll end up at worst, the best friend i'll ever have

then mid afternoon a text asking me if i'm free to take a call and he calls me about something that could have waited until tomorrow, but basically, as usual, he's pissy with his boss and always reaches out to me about this: and as i'm writing i realise that i have made myself WAY too available to him, always happy to listen to him whinge, try and help him see things differently (same thing happened Monday before he sent me his 'i think you're lovely' text...)

so we have a short call, he tells me what he did, i suggest that he may have approached it 1:1 with his boss instead of in front of other people and then i mention to him that i think he needs to be careful to avoid there being any suggestion that him and I have talked about it (although he is one of the people who told me about the issue and I brought it up with his boss, so it's not like we, or i have done anything wrong, but still)...fuck!

and then, on the call, he's straight into the business of things - again, an opportunity to ask me how i am, and again he doesn't...

couple that with my dreams last night where i just couldn't reach him (can't articulate better than that, but they were familiar enough dreams with me reaching out to someone who wasn't there - OMG, even as i type this i realise that i've had dreams like that my whole life, probably relating to my relationship with my mother...) and woke up feeling the need to move towards...didn't!

so i'm mad with him, i'm mad with myself, i'm mad that my childhood hasn't set me up well for intimate relationships, yep, basically i'm just mad..

mad that because some rude bloke at work decided to 'fancy me', i reciprocated and let myself walk down a path which has been, honestly, mostly a complete and utter mind fuck, a few months which have gone by in a blur, a few months in which i have allowed myself to be in a holding pattern (yes, i'm responsible for that) and frankly, a situation which, if we didn't work together, i would most likely not give him any time at all...

coupla girlfriends yesterday suggested that he has exactly what he wants right now - me with everything except the sex, but the good stuff, the intimacy, the cuddling, the being available, the spending time together and they are right...and what do i have? someone who can't even ask me how i am when i'm sick, someone who i think is probably pretty selfish and does exactly what he wants (by his own admission he does this), someone who has let me see a bit of what may be behind that veneer, someone who has a way of pulling back the very instant he's done someone that might suggest he's moving towards (aka our conversation Monday where he said i was lovely and i said don't make it harder for me, and he immediately pulls his head in)...

yep, it's all fucked! really, not sure i can articulate it better than that....and i'm mad