approval...

yep, seems that is one of the aspects of this moving towards...my need for approval

good to know that i guess, but then there is the 'what is the next step so it doesn't control me?'

and it's all too familiar side effect of deciding (in a moment of utter black and white thinking) that 'running away' from it all will help....

it won't, really, it's not going to help at all

but right now, what i am feeling (and it doesn't feel like the behaviour of a 43 year old but more like a petulant hurt child, who knows only one way) is that i should now cut all ties (and sure, that's a bit dramatic, and not even possible due to the work thing)...

and i have done this before, yep, this path is so well traversed that it's a bit scary to be so aware in the moment it's happening...

so the pattern is this: feel the need for approval (wherever that comes from, yes, working out those triggers might be very very useful), move towards someone (and it's NEVER a girlfriend or someone i actually trust - typically it's some bloke or other that i'm in a dysfunctional relationship with, yep things with FC definitely fall into that category methinks), don't get the response i want (which is either approval, or emotional support, sometimes even empathy...), get cranky (at them) and then, worse, get cranky at myself for having not being able to control myself in reaching out....and then want to cut them off...

fuck!

it seems so simple when i say it like that, and possibly it is, maybe not, but i haven't (perhaps) before now, been ready to confront it

so in this particular instance i am now thinking that i won't go car shopping with him tomorrow (if he turns out to be available), that i won't catch up with him Wed night (if he remembers the 'pencil it in' plan he made with me early Sunday morning)...hmmm wondering why i do this? perhaps it's akin to writing someone off, and my flawed thinking is that if i do that, i can't risk further embarrassment or hurt, or rejection

this too is familiar, the all too 'fuck you' loop that is now playing in my head.....yep, fuck you! 

and there it is, that's how i actually feel: a bit brushed off...but really, he's tired, we are just friends (i'm not sure i believe this actually) and my expectations are, well, they are mine and they are probably not fair to push onto him...but honestly, i feel like something else might be going on (and i felt that way friday, but of course he gave up a lot of his saturday to pick me up, ferry me around etc)....and now i'm annoyed that only 3 days ago i had some evidence, and instead of referring to it, i let the old stuff move to the front...fuck!

still, is it unreasonable when you ask a friend how they are, for them to make a similar enquiry about you? honestly, i don't think it is....

ok, to use an expression one of my bff's would use 'i'm over myself', so will take myself to bed and hope that a good nights sleep is in order...

tired, cranky, disappointed and a wee bit embarrassed....