oh my god, when will this emotional roller coaster ride end?
truly, i have had one of the most difficult months in such a long time, and sure there has been some distraction, in the way of one FC, but actually, i think he may be a big part of the reason that i have found myself in this place...
and honestly, it's not good, and i don't necessarily attribute all of that to him, but he is a big part of the reason for all the flashbacks, the reviewing of patterns, the awareness around my actions etc...but mostly, what has happened is (and this is not good, well doesn't feel like it right now) that i have realised just how challenged i am at being vulnerable and creating intimacy....
and i thought i was doing so well?
fuck...
so i'm tired, yep, so very very tired tonight and thankful that tomorrow is a public holiday coz i so need a break...
from him, from my thoughts, from having to see him every time i step up from my desk, from going over and over all the things we've said to each other in the last few months, especially the things that were said friday in our awful row, and then sunday, in what has been our nicest time together yet, even though we are now 'friends'...
i'm so confused, and sad, and lonely and sick of always being the person who is there for everyone else, i'm sad that my parents came for a visit when i was in the midst of a serious existential crisis, i feel guilty that they didn't get the weekend they probably wanted, i'm sad that i have beaten myself up about it, i'm sad that i feel that having now been more of myself than they usually see, they too are going to find something wrong in that...
yep, tired is where i'm at, and sad.....not the sort of sad that i was at easter, but i'm sad....
and sure i'm disappointed about how things with FC have worked out, of course i am, coz i think i wanted so much more than to be friends...and now i feel as though i am going to have to experiment with a whole new set of behaviours to see if that will mean things end up how i'd like them to....
and of course, there's no guarantee that it will, so i wonder if it's worth the effort...and then the pragmatic me, the me that believes everything happens for a reason kicks in and reminds that perhaps this IS the reason he's turned up, that maybe i am supposed to try out this new stuff with him...i guess i have to trust that it's meant to be, meaning whatever ends up happening, that i can't predict now, is already written in the cards?
fuck, i really am confused, i'm even rambling in the blog...
and then on top of all that what i also realised is that, almost certainly he is a nicer person when drunk...and the romantic notion i currently have, and the things he said that have stayed with me (well, most of them) were all said when he was drunk...so am i to believe that is his real self? or not?
and then there's the mixed messages and how they feed my fantasy of where things will end up....
yep, tired and lost sums it up well...
so i think the only thing to do is take myself to bed, curl up and attempt a good night's sleep
nite x
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