struggling...

tonight

unsure if it's because in less than 12 hours i'm going to have to see him at work, or if my usual 'addiction' of moving towards is rearing it's ugly head...

either way, i'm struggling...so in an attempt to remind myself of some of the reasons that i didn't think it would be good to consider a relationship with FC, here is my list of things i don't like about him, or things that annoyed me...

no doubt the other list, the list of things i DID like about him will come out another time, even though i have struggled to articulate what it was i liked about him...surely that's an issue in itself? it is right?

he can be rude, not just to others, but to me

he smokes

a LOT

he's anxious, awkward (could be just around me, but i doubt it) at times...which makes it very difficult to communicate with him

i don't think he considers the impact he has on others, me in particular (not often anyway)

he's dismissive (mental note to remind myself of the hurtful text he sent me last weekend)

he can be really blunt (although the more i got to know him, the less this sort of bothered me)

he lead me on, albeit unintentionally (impact to me is the same)

he told me he fancied me, we would see each other, he'd tie up loose ends, he kissed me, and then he panicked

he disappears mid conversation sometimes

he's an ISTJ 

funny, even as i'm writing this, i can think of some of the things i did like, but i am NOT going there tonight...

the idea of writing this was to remind me of the things that bugged me, or hurt me, or worse, i couldn't imagine putting up with in a serious relationship....

so back to it...surely there is more

he didn't ever really make an effort to get to know me...

so looking back, makes me wonder what was really going on? initially it was intrigue/curiosity, the sense that i might be able to 'help' him....then it became something else, and honestly, i can't pinpoint how or when that happened, but it seemed suddenly to move into a full blown (and yet, not talked abut) chemistry/attraction...

and then, he realised he liked me and panicked...fuck! sure i shouldn't make that about me, but you know, it's kinda hard not to...

so struggling is where it's at...it'll get better, it always does, but right now i feel the need to verbalise the emotions that feel that a thick mire...

sigh...