seems the rational self talk

is not working as well as i'd like this morning (actually, it's now afternoon! that'll happen when you sleep til after 10am...oops!)

so instead i am throwing myself into domestic chores and watching my fave shows - what else is there to do? i so desperately need a day at home, on my own, with my thoughts and fears, to really sift through what's going on

funny, in the middle of the night when i woke in a cold sweat (no idea why, this happens a fair bit...) i realised that 'the fantasy is no longer working for me, no longer serving me' and that is so true: i guess my way of trying to integrate what happened with Chris, all those years ago, into who i am, i have relied (depended maybe) on fantasies, when it comes to men, and they are so so so counter productive! sure for the NF in me (you know, the dreamer, the one who hates conflict and wants everything to be harmonious) it seems like the natural thing to do (it is), but for the 43 year old me, these fantasies just take me away from myself and who i am...

they lead me down a garden path of expectation and projection, and ultimately disappointment, questioning of self and ultimately destruction which invariably leads to the worst kind of questioning about who i am, what i stand for...a sad, lonely and soul destroying spiral into a place that i just don't want to be in

yep, it's not good, so i'm now trying to work out how to eradicate (yep, this one is not going to work in an integrated sort of a way) this from my repertoire...

as i type this Adele's Turning Tables is playing and the line 'i won't let you close enough to hurt me'...and funny, in recent weeks/months as i have tried to sift through my feelings for FC, and Chris before him, and Ben in between, i have thought that perhaps i keep men at arms length so that they can't hurt me, but maybe, just maybe, it's not them hurting me but me not letting them close enough....maybe it's me leaving 'me' and moving towards them that actually hurts me? not them, but something i'm doing?

hmmm really need to give that some thought....

so it's gonna be an interesting day for me and one where i am determined to SIT IN this uncomfortable place - i don't like it i can tell you, but i think i need to be here...

so i'm going to sit in it, try and learn from it and see what comes from that...

happy Sunday xx