guess i hadn't really expected it either, but towards the end of
yesterday i noticed him and I had a meeting scheduled today and I thought i
best see if he wanted to go through with it...he said 'probably not a good
idea'...which of course sent me into a spin! why?
sure, he may be struggling too, but i made it all about me - seems
i'm VERY good at doing this...this is a pattern/a behaviour that is no longer
serving me, probably hasn't been for ages to be honest, but it seems really
pertinent to review it now...
the last few weeks of 'reviewing' my patterns, and being confronted
with the behaviours of my past has been challenging, tiring, sad,
difficult...so many words could apply, and this is probably just the next
chapter (fuck, will this book ever be written?) but still, it's never easy to
confront one's old behaviours....
for me, at least, it's because usually those behaviours started
somewhere, and in this instance, where this all started isn't a great place for
me to visit - no nice warm memory lane here...nope, just a sad cold truth that
is always going to be a part of my 'experience'....one that no amount of
wishing it was different will change, sadly!
and sure, i am working to reduce it's impact on me, to become more
aware of the impact it's had, to not let it get in the way, but that is a long
long road, as all the best roads are right?
and don't get me wrong, i'm not going to shy away from doing the
work, the hard yards or walking the long and bumpy road, no way, but there are
times when the challenge seems insurmountable...
and today, for a brief moment when i realised that maybe he has walked
away because he doesn't like me (again, making it about me, when actually i
don't think it's that simple) enough, it just all seemed too hard...
questions like 'will i ever sort this out?' started randomly
popping into my head which made work seem a chore...and that's not great
because truly, i LOVE my job! (on that note, it was my 9 month anniversary
today...wow!)
so it seems as though now is the time in my life to really just
'reflect' on what has been, and what will be, what i have done before and what
i want to do going forward...to create clarity, to develop confidence in being
vulnerable, to challenge things that aren't working and create some new
ways....
yep, these are the tasks at hand! sounds so easy when i write it
down like that..!
if only it were that easy...but then, the most treasured things in
life (other than the people we love) are usually the things that don't come
easily to us, so why would i expect (perhaps it's hope more than expectation)
this to be any different...
so after a simply horror day where i realised i really missed him -
how could i not? for the best part of the last 3 months we have spoken at least
once daily, have found reasons to talk/email/text each other, but since
Saturday, nothing....and sure, that's what i asked for...actually, no i asked
for no flirting (since he'd made up his mind)...it's been awful, and having to
see him constantly is something of a mind fuck - and one that i am not coping
with...
so just before i had lunch with my most fabulous staff member (and
yes, i know i shouldn't have favourites, but she is my favourite!) i sent him a
text....and i wasn't sure if i would get a response or not but i just needed to
say something...
so hours later, when i'm on the phone to Leah, he texts back saying
sure, can chat but is flat out and limpy...as if he thinks I didn't notice
this? but of course in the absence of being able to ask him, i have assumed to
be a soccer injury....
so i have now given some thought to what it is i want to say...so
much thought in fact, i wrote it down! and sure i won't stick to any sort of
script, i rarely do, being an 'NF' and all, meaning essentially i'm better with
a big picture idea and then filling in the details as i go...
but here's the gist:
So
I feel like you made the decision on Saturday, even though Friday night you
asked me think about what I wanted? How did that happen? And that’s why I
decided not to tell you what I wanted…..
I
feel like you have controlled the process, or done what works for you, without
hearing my side and that’s why I couldn’t be open with you…i have no idea if
telling you now where my head is at is a good idea, but I figure, I have
nothing to lose
I
like you FC
You
are the first man in ages I have even considered having a relationship with
I
guess I figured when you said you’d tie up the loose ends, that you meant it
and that meant you were willing to see where things could go between us? At
least in the moment you said it, but as you say, you got panicky
Then
you say the timing is a bitch – does it have to be? Seems you are confused
about that, which left me confused and receiving mixed messages
I
miss talking to you – we’ve spent the best part of 3 months talking/flirting
and I’m finding it difficult to go to no contact – frankly, it sux
I
understand that the work thing is high risk for both of us….i don’t know what
to do about that, but I don’t want it to get in the way? And yes, based on how
things are right now, it’s pretty awful….but still
so,
there you have it...i've finally been vulnerable, and i have no idea what you
will 'do' with the information but you've been asking me what i want and until
now i haven't been able to tell you...
question remains if i'll be able to say this to him, if it'll feel
right, when we get around to 'clearing the air' (yes, that's what i said in my
text message of earlier) whether they will be the right words, but they were
when i wrote them...
sooo as the day nears it’s end, I am feeling a bit more together…I am
blessed with some amazing friends, a long chat with Leah helped enormously,
encouragement from a distant friend from across the ditch also helped (thanks
Rich), and knowing (even though at times today I did not believe that) that no
matter what, this is all part of the grand plan we call life…yep, right now,
feeling ok…
please please please let that last well into tomorrow…
nite
x
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