numb?

not sure i feel numb, but right now it seems there isn't another word that sums up how i am feeling....

i guess i really wanted to be true to myself today, to give myself a day (at least) away from him, to not give in to any thoughts i might have about 'moving towards' him, and i've done that (big big achievement despite how immaterial it may be to you, the reader!)....

i had a slow start to the day following a very late night...even though i went to bed early, i decided to do some delving into past posts (not here obviously) and it was well after midnight by the time i tried to sleep, and then of course, it didn't come easily...

so a disturbed night was had, including a dream about Ben and having a good conversation with him, meeting up with his Mum and Nana (weird), and a myriad other weird dreams, none of which i can remember...and eventually i woke up in a cold sweat (not remembering what had caused me to do so)....

i lazed around for a while and eventually the need to 'get moving' got me up...no sooner had i settled on the couch with tea and toast, Leah called and said she and Felix were on the way over, so i had a shower, got ready and we went to the zoo

great day for it (ANZAC Day: lest we forget, thanks to diggers current and fallen who fight for our beautiful country and for our freedom...I appreciate what you do for me) and we had a lovely time...

both of us feeling fragile and exhausted in different ways and it was nice to spend hours just hanging out, chatting, walking around Tahronga, and then back at mine drinking tea...

we haven't known each other 3 years yet but there are few friends i feel as comfortable around as Leah...our first meeting didn't give a sense of the bond we would eventually forge, but after a rocky start, things fell into place pretty quickly....seems some similarities in our past and a shared love of coaching/MBTI etc allowed us to spend more time together and develop a trust: frankly, this sort of trust i share with almost no-one else, including some of my close and long term friends...

we talked about her work, her desire to do more local work and much less travel, we talked about being lonely, both in and out of relationships, she let me talk about FC, she gave me her views on what's going on for him and when i asked her simply 'what should i do?, she said 'there is nothing you can do'...

and she is right.  nothing i do will either make him want to be with me or not, i'm pretty sure he needs to make up his mind on that...

so i've reflected a lot today on what i think he wants, and where i think he's at, and have gone over and over Sunday and all that was said, gestures, acts of service, and i am left, frankly, feeling more confused than ever...this man so obviously likes me, a lot, and yet, he maintains the timing is crap.  i respect that, honestly i do - having parted with Ben it took me so long to put myself back together, for the longest time i wasn't even ready to consider 'being' with somebody else, and maybe that's where FC finds himself right now....

so some key questions remain: how will i stay strong and not 'move towards' him in those times where i'm going out of my mind wondering 'what if?'....how will i not let myself sit in a holding pattern waiting for him? how will i manage not analyse things he says (especially those that he says drunk, if and when we do catch up again)?  at what point might i no longer find myself interested in him?  is it likely he could just as quickly stop liking me? (i'm not sure i really believe that - this man started following me on twitter in late Jan and things have continued to build since then, so seems unlikely he'll just wake up tomorrow and no longer like me)

so numb is probably a good description....the despair of the weekend has evaporated, a determination seems to have replaced what felt like desperation, his behaviour on Sunday, followed up by Monday (where I really felt 'top of mind') seems to have provided me with some personal power - i feel as though he has handed it back to me....

now the trick is to hold onto it! to do the things i love in my life, to spend time with people i love, to not sit around wondering if he's thinking about me, to not put my life on hold...

yep, plenty to do....but still, i hope that things might be different between us, if not now, then sometime...question is, just how long will i wait until 'sometime' no longer seems viable?

ok, back to Ringer for me!

nite x

ps can't get his drunken comments out of my head tonight