disappointed...

is the only word i can conjure up which i think covers how i am feeling tonight...

fuck, and the day started so VERY well! i went to bed last night feeling confused but contented, and determined not to 'move towards'....but as today wore on, and i got tireder (and bored, yes a little bit bored during my fiction workshop), i started to think 'why hasn't he made contact?' etc etc and all the old negative thoughts started to make their way to the surface...

thankfully i went to Leah's but she even said that not checking in on him was a game - coz of course, if we are friends, and i know he's sick, i would check in...and she's right, so i then became really confused - seems my black and white thinking (can't contact him, shouldn't contact him v's would like to know how he is) had me in a tangle....

and now, right now, i feel as though i have given away some power (of course, i doubt i really have) but suddenly i feel disappointed, disappointed that when i did check in to see how he was feeling, he didn't bring up the 'conversation' we aren't having by text....

sure, he responded, and immediately (i wasn't expecting that), but i feel as though there are still some loose ends from the other night's 'surprising' conversation....

of course he's not feeling that well, he was out with a mate, but still...

so you know what? i think the lesson here is the expectations, and i have way too many! means i often feel disappointed, worse, i often question my own behaviours, and ultimately myself, but maybe just maybe, this is the universal lesson with FC?

i so want to be myself, one of the reasons we have 'missed each other' in our communications (i think) is that i haven't been myself (well, of course, i'm not taking all the responsibility for that, i don't think, at times, that he has made me feel comfortable to do so) and i now want to be...

hence the dilemma of not wanting to play games with him, and sure, me being a bit less available during the week, did get a result, and whilst i didn't see it as playing a game so much as trying out a new behaviour for me, still, it wasn't easy....

and so, i find myself back in an uneasy place, one where there is lots of discomfort - and maybe i should embrace this? i know i know, insane...but the best learnings and the greatest lessons don't come in times without challenge...do they?

nope, for me, they always come out of a struggle, and struggle is where i am at right now....

so he 'genuinely wonders' what's going on for me, and likewise, i am genuinely wondering what is going on for me too, and him if i'm honest, but i am trying to stay right here, with Sarah, 43 year old gorgeous, smart, intelligent, funny, wise, insightful, intuitive Sarah....yes, if i stay here, and tend to her, rather than moving towards him, perhaps it will all become clearer....

hope so!

nite folks x