it's a
combination of calmness and acceptance (this is very rare for me) and still
sadness and a small urge to reach out to him (that will NOT be happening, even
if I have to delete him, again, from my phone...)
so i'm
reflecting....
not just on
yesterday's events, but on the entire story with him....
funny, coz when
i first met him i found NOTHING about him attractive...maybe that's one of the
lessons in all of this? or maybe not!
maybe i allowed
myself to be talked into it? or maybe i was able to look beneath the surface
and find something i liked?
probably a bit
of both to be honest....so inevitably i am now going over events, happenings,
conversations, looks, things that were said, other things that weren't...
and it really
should help me to know that his decisions weren't about me, but still, there is
a small part of me that wonders...sure he panicked, sure he may be disappointed
too, but really, timing is not that important...or is it?
maybe it is to
him? maybe it is to me too - sure i've met people at the wrong time before, of
course i have, but really?
fuck! and did i
mention every 2nd car seems to be a black golf - really universe? really? why
must you torment me with that? my heart skips a beat every time i see one....of
course this is familiar territory and it will eventually pass...
it did with
Chris, and so it will with FC...of course with Ben it didn't matter (one
upside of not having a car)...!
as i write this
it occurs me that tomorrow morning i'm going to have to see him, face him at
work....hmmm not sure how i feel about that
might have been
nice to have a coupla weeks where i don't have to see him, talk to him etc, but
no, we are going to have to not only see each other this week, but probably
have a number of work related conversations....and there is ONE very good
reason not to get involved with someone at work
of course, i
actually think it's unavoidable...i do! a large number of people meet their
partners through work, so why should i be any different, and sure my boss would
freak if she knew something had occurred (in reality, NOT much did
occur...)....she would consider it inappropriate etc, but hey, i wanted to give
it a shot so i took a risk...and whilst i absolutely don't regret it, turning
up tomorrow ain't gonna be a walk in the park!
in a moment of
what i can only read as empathy (although he is not known for this..) he tells
me he can send his colleague if i'd prefer....for the discussions we have to have
this week...
so sure i've
gotten through most of the day without an emotion even remotely resembling last
Sunday's little mirror session, but still, i'm flat, and tired, and sad, and
mostly disappointed...and a small part of me, seemingly growing as i get ever
tireder, wishes things could be different...
sigh................
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